Night Court

As mentioned earlier, I was subpoenaed to be a witness last night at 9:00. SO, being a good citizen, I hopped on the municipal court website to figure out where to go, etc, etc. The website said jeans and flip flops were not allowed. I assumed this excluded yoga pants as well, so I just put my skirt and top from work back on, and headed out.

Now, in my mind, I think I was picturing something a little like Night Court. Wacky plaintiffs, a fun judge, mayhem and excitement, me all perky like Markie Post. What I got was a little more like a FEMA station...pissed off, hot, annoyed, dirty masses, standing in long lines and complaining. And apparently no one else read the website, because people were there in tube tops, bathing suits, glittery halters, whatever. I absolutely did not blend with this crowd.

As I'm walking into the courtroom, I see the officer from my most recent car accident walking out. Aha! I run out and catch her, to see if the case is dismissed, and she gets SO PISSED, and says they were just about to let everyone go since none of the witnesses showed. Um, excuse me? Apparently not showing up when subpoenaed is the PREFERRED response. I didn't know.

So (turn on your mental picture skills), I am then marched up to the judge and prosecutor, in front of a packed courtroom, by a police officer, who loudly announces, "We got one of them" as if I was a BANK ROBBER THEY APPREHENDED. Suddenly the courtroom audience is totally quiet and paying attention. Blonde girl in custody!!!!

So, some attorney walks me to the front of the courtroom and starts asking me questions. Now I'm fairly relaxed because I was only a passenger in this accident. Not my car, not my fault, not my problem. This attorney, however, was apparently in a mood because he just starts GRILLING me. This is bad because I tend to get chatty when nervous, which I proceeded to totally do in front of the whole courtroom.

Him: Did you witness an accident on January 21, 2006?
Me: Well, I was a passenger in one of the cars.
Him (pissy): That was not my question. Did you witness an accident on January 21, 2006?
Me: Um, sort of. I was in one of the cars, so I guess I witnessed it, kind of. I mean, not the whole thing, obviously, but, like, out of the windshield, I guess I...
Him: Ok. And was your car involved?
Me: No, I was the passenger. It was my friend's car.
Him: Your friend? What was your relationship with this person?
Me: Um, well, we were kind of on a date?
Him: So the driver is your boyfriend?
Me: Well, I mean, it was our second date, so I wouldn't exactly say 'boyfriend' but we were dating at that time, I mean, we were more than friends, so...
Him: I see. And are you and your boyfriend still dating?

I should mention that at this point you can hear a PIN DROP in the courtroom. People are enjoying this.

Me (blathering): Well, no, not really. We still talk from time to time, I mean, I just talked to him tonight, and we watched a basketball game last week with some of his friends, but I wouldn't say we're dating, we're basically just friends...
Him: I see. And where were you driving that night?
Me: To a cage fight.
Him: (Long pause) I mean what direction where you traveling.
Me: Oh!!! North on XXXX street, through the intersection of YYYYY street.
Him: Through a green light?
Me: Yes.
Him: ARE YOU SURE?????
Me: Yes?
Him: And what happened?
Me: Well, a car going south made a left turn at the red light, and we hit it head on and...
Him: ARE YOU SURE IT WAS RED????
Me: Well, ours was green, so it would have been a bad idea to make his green, too.
Him: Do you have proof that the lights were properly operational that night?
Me: What?
Him: So you cannot testify absolutely that the light was red?
Me: WHAT?
Him: You have no proof that both lights were not green at the same time?????
Me: Um, I...what?

Somewhere around this time he loses patience with me, and cuts to the chase.

Him: Do you see the man who you allege ran a red light in the courtroom tonight?
Me: Yes.
Him: Please point him out and describe him.
Me: The gentleman on the third row.
Him: The elderly man? (Now that was seriously a low blow, because there was only one man on the third row).

Anywho, it was quite the dramatic night of testimony by STAR WITNESS Robin. My advice, however, if you are ever subpoenaed, is apparently don't go. They like that.