If a secretary falls in a forest...

News #1: Guess who's swim coach told her last night she has "excellent form"? That would be me.

News #2: Guess who's secretary tripped over a doorway at a restaurant, and had to lay on the floor until the paramedics arrived? That would be mine.

Oh, you guys. Even my secretary, K, had to admit this was a classic moment. So, we've walked to lunch, a nice little Italian place by our office. As we walk into the entrance, however, K catches her shoe on the doorway, and just SPLAT falls. No catching herself, no tuck-n-roll landing, just a massive, four star, two thumbs up BLAM fall.

I should also mention that my secretary is a fairly, um, sizable woman.

OK, so she's down, and crying, and her knee is apparently all wonky. Not good.

Suddenly, we have a SWARM of Italian waiters surrounding us. No one seems to know what to do. So, they go summon the manager, who is barking orders in Italian. I distinctly hear "ambulance" shouted. Apparently the manager (lets call him Luigi) has taken some sort of "Torts in the Workplace" course, because he is large and in charge. A manager with a plan. And it apparently involves EMTs.

Alright, so by this point, K has decided she's actually ok, just a little shaken up. She starts to sit up, and Luigi refuses to let her get up. He's yelling something about nerve damage. The nervous waiters bring her a pillow and a glass of water, and tell her to stay put until the paramedics get there.

OK, y'all, close your eyes and picture: my large secretary, propped up on a pillow, blocking the entryway to a restaurant, wearing capri pants and a summery top, sipping water (no ice, please). A bevy of Italian waiters, all running around frantic. Luigi on the phone with 911, trying to explain what's going on in heavily-accented Italian. Diners, watching in amusement and horror. And, all this time, people are still coming and going from the restaurant, so there is a steady stream of traffic STEPPING OVER my secretary, like roadkill.

Somewhere around this time it occurs to me that I might be going to the emergency room with K, so I call my office and give them details so they won't wonder where we are at, say, 5:30 when we haven't returned from lunch. Between the receptionist and my boss, the story morphs into: "K is bleeding everywhere and is being taken away in an ambulance". So, here comes my boss, in a run, in a suit, to assess the situation.

Of course, by this time, there are ambulances there, with sirens blasting, and stretchers and paramedics and blood pressure cuffs and the whole thing. And to anyone with half a brain, it is OBVIOUS that K is just fine, and frankly just wants to have lunch. And get out of the doorway.

So, cooler minds prevail, the ambulance leaves, K and I sit down to a nice lunch, ASSUMING that the restaurant will comp it. Which, they did not.

The end. I think the lesson here is to always announce loudly, immediately after an accident happens, in front of a manager, "Wow, good thing I'm here with a lawyer!! That door is clearly a hazard!! I'm so happy we got pictures on my camera phone!!"

Then, maybe you'll get a free meal.

I'm Smart!

Hey, look! I figured out how to edit those links on the right, so now you can zip right over and take a glance at the three tri's I'm doing. Fun!

Are we there yet?

Doesn't it seem like I've been taking this class for roughly forever? I kind of think yes.

I technically started on February 4th, and it is an 18 week class. So, we just started our 12th week. Basic math says that gives me six weeks to go. And during those six weeks, I have three triathlons in front of me.

I have to confess, though, that after Easter I just went MIA during week 11. I was tired. I wanted to watch The Apprentice (yay, Roxanne!). I missed my couch.

Last night I finally dragged my pitiful self back to swim class. And of course, it was great, and now I'm mad I missed any classes. To me, working out is like church - honestly, not something I jump out of bed longing to go do. But, once I've done it, I always leave thinking, "Why don't I do this all the time?"

When I got to class last night there was a nice little surprise: they switched the lanes. Damn. Know how a pool is rectangular? We used to swim in lanes that ran the short way. Now, the lanes run the loooooong way in the pool. Instead of getting to take a little breather every 25 meters, I have to go 50 full yards before I can hang onto the side and gasp for air. So, it was kind of a tough night, but fun. Good. Challenging. I am still totally amazed that I can actually move my body from Point A to Point B. Not gracefully, not with any art, but I do the job. Miracle.

The best thing though is that I am so happy with my body these days. (Boys, tune out, you won't get this. Girls, I'm sure you know what I mean.) I look the same, I weigh the same, everything is the same, but I just LIKE my body. It can do cool things like swim a lot, or cycle 37 miles, or run...ok, not so much run. But still, I am much less critical of myself lately. I'm giving myself room to be imperfect, and just having fun. It's a nice place to be.

If any of you have free time, I just totally suggest finding something random you've always wanted to do, and going for it. Find a class. Try a sport. Ignore your fears. It's liberating.

And Scariness Ensues...

You know that no-call zone? That sort of 3am to 6:30am zone, where even the most desperate guy won't call, and even the most brazen telemarketer won't dial your number? That's the zone where, if your phone rings, you know Something Has Happened.

Somewhere in that zone, my mom called this morning. Freaked me right out. Apparently, as my dad and brother were driving to Austin last night (with my grandpa in his car in front of them and some family friends in a car behind them), a huge tree suddenly fell onto the highway, blocking all four lanes. My dad swerved and avoided the trunk of the tree, but still hit the big branches at a high speed. He and my brother are ok, just a little banged up, but the truck is in bad shape. The impact shattered the windshield.

Had my dad driven a tiny bit faster, the tree would have fallen on him instead of in front of him. Had my grandpa driven a little slower, it would have been him. As it were, the tree fell right between them, and everybody was ok. But life is just short. Weird things happen.

Luckily, I just spent a great weekend with my family, and I'm positive they all know how much I love them. But you just can't say it enough.

So, here is the homework for today: Call or email your families and the people you love. Make sure there aren't any petty fights or stupid arguments lingering. Make sure they know you love them. Don't waste time proving you're right, or that they're wrong, on issues that don't matter. Call. Now. Go.

Post-Easter

First of all, a big Happy Birthday to LOS TUCKER!!! Mandy says hello.

Second of all, I am as big as a cruise ship. Blarg. I just got home from my parents' house for Easter. A fun weekend, a nice break from work and training and all that. BUT, not working out for about a week coupled with an obscene amount of fried chicken and mini-Snickers, and I am feeling gross and sluggish. Yuck.

Looking forward to getting back into the groove tomorrow - a few days of Lean Cuisine lunches and swim class, and I'll be back in business.

Feel the Burn

This morning was the super-long ride. My coaches, while all wonderful, sometimes don't get on the same page. As a result, I had emails stating that the ride was 25, 40, 50, 51, and 54 miles. So it was kind of a fun surprise for all of us to find out the real distance (27 miles out and 27 miles back, and whenever you got tired, a nice man in an SUV would scrape you up off the road and take you to your car).

The 27 out was actually fun. It was really cool and sunny, and flat-ish for the first 20 miles. The last seven miles were all hills, which very nearly killed me. We stopped and took a little break, then headed back. I made it ten more miles, for a 37 mile total. I'm pretty psyched.

OK, now for the fun stuff. The title of this post doesn't refer to the difficulty of the ride. It refers to the fact that I am baked. Well-done. Crispy. Every inch of my body that wasn't covered in clothing is bright red and hurts like hell. This is one of my very worst sunburns ever, of all time, and most of my summers ages 12-16 were focused on giving myself hellish sunburns. So this is a doozy.

The REALLY fun part of it, though, it what is NOT sunburned. I look like I'm wearing a white trisuit, socks, sunglasses and gloves. It is ridiculous. If there was a way to post non-porno pics to share with all of you, I would.

The other excitement of the day is that somewhere along the 54 mile route, my friend L's car keys vanished. Poof. Gone. And her apartment keys, wallet, tax return, and other personal documents and items were locked inside her car.

FUN FACT: Did you know that cars are ranked 1 through 3 based on how hard the locks are to pop? L's car is a 3 - the hardest one. The AAA guys, according to the locksmith that eventually made it out there, were all fighting over who had to respond to her call, because they knew it would suck. And it did. It took him a solid 45 minutes to get the door open, then his tools were all jammed in the door and he had to disasemble the door to get it out. Bad. Slow. Hot. More sunburn.

I'm happy to say that I am now home, showered, slathered in Aloe Vera and watching The Next Food Network Star. That's about all I have to say about that. It's been a looooooooooooooong day.

Oh, y'all...

The trisuits have arrived.

Oh my. I just went and picked them up from my apartment office. They came in a box about the size of a Rubik's Cube.

I have to admit, I was kind of excited to see what they would do. It would be soooo much simpler if I could just wear one nice easy outfit for the whole tri.

I cracked open the box, and immediately saw SILVER!!! Shiny, ice skating costume, metallic silver. I definitely did NOT order anything with silver on it. I ordered one black trisuit, and one charcoal/aqua trisuit. Nothing with silver.

I pulled it out and just laughed. There was a royal blue and silver suit on top. The brand I ordered, but not the color. And I don't mean it was trimmed in silver. I mean it was MOSTLY silver. Trimmed in blue. But, I went ahead and tried it on, just for kicks.

All I can say is that it was HORRIBLY unflattering. All shiny and metallic, and made out of that cheap material used for swimsuits from Walmart or Target, which can't hold a shape at all. And the silver was ridiculous. With some fishnets and a cape, I would have looked like a minor superhero.

OK, onward and upward!!! The next one was actually really cute. Charcoal gray with aqua stripes. The material was much thicker, so it didn't look so cheap. The style was flattering, and I thought we had a winner. Then I tried to put my arms in the armholes. Now, I'm not a tall person, and I don't have a disproportionately long torso or anything, but this thing was just too short. Once I wrestled it on, the shoulder pieces were cutting in to my skin, and the armholes exposed WAAAY too much boob. It was hard to imagine swimming in this contraption. Another loser.

I give up. Layers it is.

51

So those of you in Texas know that it goes from winter to hot in like 24 hours. And hot is here. It was like 80 today. This should make swimming more fun, but biking and running a little tougher.

Speaking of biking, our coach evaluated all of our performances from Sunday, and decided our weakest sport is biking. So, we're going to start doing tons more biking. In that spirit, we're going on a fifty-one mile bike ride this Sunday.

Now, I'm all for a challenge, and obviously you need to push past the distance you'll need to do in the race, but 51 miles seems a little much. In my races, I'll be doing either 12.4 or 15 miles. So, 51 seems like a little overkill. In a half-ironman, you bike 56 miles.

My biggest concern is that I haven't learned how to drink water while cycling yet. The move to let go, reach down by my knee, grab the bottle, pop the lid, and drink...no way. I've seriously tried, and I just go skidding off course every time. I can't maintain a straight line at all. I guess I could just pull over every so often and drink. I dunno, I think I'm overthinking this.

Also, after two fruitless shopping trips to find a particular brand of trisuit, I just gave up and ordered two online. (I also ordered two pairs of crocodile pumps from Nine West, which has nothing to do with anything, but was much more fun.) SO, I should have two trisuits in my possession in 5 to 7 business days. I'll keep you posted.

ohmygodohmygodohmygod

I am a triathlete. Oh man.

So last night, I fell asleep totally unsure if I was going to do the tri this morning. My teeth were KILLING me, and every time I tested the waters and breathed in through my mouth, I wanted to cry. Bad.

This morning however, I was good to go. Teeth felt fine. Totally determined to finish. My little bag was all packed, my Amino Vital was mixed up, and I was off!!!

I got to the pool at 9:30, where everyone was setting up their gear. Now, I've never actually practiced the transitions between events, so I was just winging it. Basically you get a space big enough for your towel and whatever you can fit on the towel. My towel was JAM PACKED. Didn't want to forget anything.

Next to our towel, we set up our bikes on trainers. A trainer basically turns your bike into a stationary bike. To me, riding on a trainer is MUCH harder than riding on the road. My coach cranks the resistance WAY up, and then puts us in the hardest gear, so it kills my legs.

OK, so now for the actual triathlon:

SWIM: Everyone hopped in the pool and swam 225 meters to warm up. One length of the pool is 25 meters (side to side, not the long way) to give you an idea of what distances we're talking about).

Then we were seeded based on speed to start the triathlon: a 500 meter swim. Since we were swimming in a pool, we swam a method called the snake. Basically, we dove in 10 seconds apart, then played follow-the-leader. The route was down and back lane 1, then over the lane line, down and back lane 2, over the lane line, etc, etc, etc, for ten lanes.

I am quite proud to say that I was actually seeded too low. I was totally faster than the lady in front of me, and several times I accidentally grabbed a foot and had to tread water to let us spread back out. My time was 13 minutes for the 500 meters, which was slower than I expected, because of all the treading water.

Things learned regarding swimming:

1. Swimming with a sports bra under my suit is a-ok. Totally worked.
2. I like swimming. It's the most mindless and easy of the three sports.

TRANSITION ONE: After the swim, we hopped out, ran over to our towel, and got ready to bike. Here is where I realized my first critical mistake. I did have a towel with all my stuff on it. I did NOT however, have a towel to dry myself off with. I tried to roll with it and just pull my bike shorts on. Um, that is not a great idea. It was quite a struggle to get those on. Also, my shirt was inside out. Also, gloves are tough to get on wet hands. Overall, I just realized that a towel would have been handy.

BIKE: What can I say. Forty-five minutes of bike, bike, bike, bike. Tough for like 30 minutes, and cake for the rest. Fun.

TRANSITION TWO: Again, critical mistake. I changed my shoes, THEN realized I was still wearing my bike shorts. Not easy to remove bike shorts and put on running shorts while wearing a pair of Asics, but it can be done.

RUN: We finished with a three-mile run, which I am astonished to announce I finished in 31 minutes. That means 10-ish minute miles. I have NEVER run that fast. Including elementary school track meet day. Including the marathon. Including anything. How is that possible? I dunno. I think it was a combo of adrenaline, desire to be finished, and maybe warm muscles from the biking. Also, one Vanilla PowerGel.

And then, all of a sudden, I was done. Bam. I'm a triathlete. I couldn't believe it went so well. Honestly, I just felt fantastic the whole time, and felt absolutely amazing after it was over. I definitely think I can do the real deal, and I think I can do it faster.

The most fun thing, though, was hanging out with my class. I just really like those people. Everyone was SO encouraging. Sweet little G finished about 30 minutes after all of us, but EVERY SINGLE PERSON stuck around to cheer for him at the finish line. I just thought that was amazingly nice.

So, that's it. I did it. And we're only 8 weeks into the 18 week class. My coach was all teary at the end, and gave a motivational little speech about how every single person in our class could totally compete in a triathlon today, and that she looks forward to helping us improve to competitive athletes in the next 10 weeks.

So, in the post-tri afterglow, flushed with this mini-success, I'm contemplating trying a longer distance tri at the end of the summer. By mid-June, I will have finished my class and done four sprint distance tris. Maybe, MAYBE I could handle an Olympic or Half-Ironman. Ask me when I'm not pumped full of endorphins...

Crap

This morning I went and got my teeth whitened. I have a little self-improvement "to do" list, and that was one of the first things on it. My dentist told me it might make my teeth a little sensitive, and that the sensitivity could last up to 24 hours. No problem.

Um, we have a problem. It has been four hours since I left the dentist. While I DO have sparkly white teeth, I also feel like I'm biting into ice cream basically all the time. It used to be an infrequent jolt, but now it's constant pain.

I read online that this pain can be caused if the solution irritates the nerves inside your teeth, and it is made worse by eating or drinking cold/hot things, or....drumroll.... breathing through your mouth. Great.

We are currently T-minus 16 hours from my triathlon. I don't think I can hold my breath for a 500 meter swim, so I can basically assure I'll have to breath through my mouth. And I'm sure I'll breath through my mouth while biking and running.

So, I just popped a Vicadin and I have my fingers crossed. If my first tri is going to involve two hours of screaming, inflamed nerve endings, I may have to pass.

Low Grade Panic

Holy moly, my first triathlon is Sunday morning. I'm nervous, and can't really think or talk about it. What I apparently AM capable of doing, however, is shopping for it. I bought three, count em, three triathlon books at Borders tonight. And tomorrow I'm making another attempt at trisuit shopping.

Ah, America, where all troubles can be anesthesitized by consumer debt.