Affirmation Please

Tonight my bike chain popped off, and I totally put it back on with my BARE HANDS. I am extremely proud...who knew that piece on the back moved?

Shopping = Bad

Just wanted to give you guys an update on how my quad definition is going....mmmk, not really. This is a post about my most favorite thing: shopping. Also my least favorite thing: looking like a tool.

I've been giving a lot of thought to the wardrobing aspect of triathlons. Basically, I have to have to have an outfit that:

1. dries quickly,
2. involves a sports bra, and
3. lets me wear my bikey padded shorts for the bike ride.

And since the crazy conservatives in charge of triathlons don't allow you to actually strip and change between events, the only solution I could come up with layering. As in, sports bra under swimsuit under bike shorts, with a nice t-shirt over the top. That ensemble has a couple of obvious problems, most notably that I will be ONE BIG CHAFE by the end of the race.

SOOOOO (drumroll) I decided the only solution is just to suck up my pride and wear a tri-suit. This is something akin to a sausage casing - neck to knee Lycra. Know what it looks like? It looks like those suck-you-in outfits you wear under bridesmaid dresses. Only it is all you wear. In public. On a bike.

Now I knew the shopping was going to be awful. I just didn't realize it would be so ridiculous. And quick. I walked into the store and was pointed to the tri-suit section. Four racks of teensy outfits. Know how when you take cheap pantyhose out of the package, they look like they should fit a toddler? Same idea. These were like five inches wide and 18 inches long. So basically, I picked one up, gave it an experimental tug, and when it failed to expand from a size 2T to a size 12, I put it right back and walked out. The end.

I've been doing some online shopping, and all the suits I'm looking at appear to fit on an adult, so I'm going to give it another go this weekend.

Happy Birthday!!!

So I have it on good authority that there is a certain reader having her b-day today. Hope you have a fantastic and relaxing day! Oh, and don't believe Dave when he says a birthday spanking is traditional.

What's missing from this tri?

(***Disclaimer*** That is NOT me in the photo, it just made me laugh).

So I'm surprised no one has called me on the fact that I talk about swimming and biking a lot, but never running. The reason for this is simple: I haven't been running. Like at all. Ever.

Tuesday, however, I got an email from my coach saying our class is having a mini-triathlon on April 2nd. NEXT SATURDAY. It'll be a 400 meter swim (easy), a 60 minute ride (not bad), and a 5k (gulp). Considering how awful a biker and swimmer I am, it's a bad sign that I consider running my "weak sport".

So, I decided to go for a run last night. To psyche myself up, I tried to think of inspirational running moments from the Marathon Debacle of 2005. All I could think of, however, was this one dude I used to know in law school: gorgeous, smart, and totally athletic. While I wheezed through my running classes, he'd go for a ten-mile spin around the lake, just for fun. Whenever I would complain about how hard running was for me, he would look at me all confused and befuddled and say things like, "Running isn't hard!!! Just don't stop moving!!! It's all mental, not physical!!! You just keep putting one foot in front of the other!!" Generally those statements made me want to put one foot in his face.

Last night, though, I was feeling positive. One foot in front of the other...just don't stop...I can run. I CAN RUN!!!

So, flushed with enthusiasm, I mixed up a fresh batch of Amino Vital and hit the trails!

I wish I could give you some inspirational little-engine-that-ran story about how I burned up the trails and set a personal record. I think we all know better. I ran half a mile before I had to stop. Then I implemented the tried and true "Run two lightposts, walk one lightpost" method the rest of the way. Painful. Long. Boring. And totally hard. I'm kind of kicking myself now for not just gutting it out and attending all those 5am group runs the past few weeks.

Wait, no. Now that I type that out, I realize I totally don't regret it. 5am. Seriously. So I'm a crappy runner. At least I'm a well-rested crappy runner.

Anyway, I'm going to try to work in short runs over the rest of the class and build up some endurance. So there ya go...in addition to fun biking and swimming stories, you can now look forward to exciting running stories, too. Lucky, lucky you.

Teensy

Yes, I know what you're all thinking. You're thinking, "Gosh, Robin, with all that cardio you're doing, you must look like an Olsen twin!! When will you start modeling for Shape magazine?" Yeah, not so much.

I have stayed exactly the same weight since starting this class. As it turns out, I am good at EITHER eating well OR exercising. Never both at the same time. So all those calories I'm burning off are basically being replaced by sports bar nachos, March Madness beer, and Papa Johns. My bad.

Right now though, seven weeks into this class, the exercise part is sort of on autopilot. So, I decided to try to nail down the "eating well" part.

So far so good...I bought a cute new bag to take my lunch to work in (the bag is key, of course) and I've actually eaten my little Lean Cuisine in my office the past two days, instead of going to lunch with friends. Less fun, but probably better for me.

Night Court

As mentioned earlier, I was subpoenaed to be a witness last night at 9:00. SO, being a good citizen, I hopped on the municipal court website to figure out where to go, etc, etc. The website said jeans and flip flops were not allowed. I assumed this excluded yoga pants as well, so I just put my skirt and top from work back on, and headed out.

Now, in my mind, I think I was picturing something a little like Night Court. Wacky plaintiffs, a fun judge, mayhem and excitement, me all perky like Markie Post. What I got was a little more like a FEMA station...pissed off, hot, annoyed, dirty masses, standing in long lines and complaining. And apparently no one else read the website, because people were there in tube tops, bathing suits, glittery halters, whatever. I absolutely did not blend with this crowd.

As I'm walking into the courtroom, I see the officer from my most recent car accident walking out. Aha! I run out and catch her, to see if the case is dismissed, and she gets SO PISSED, and says they were just about to let everyone go since none of the witnesses showed. Um, excuse me? Apparently not showing up when subpoenaed is the PREFERRED response. I didn't know.

So (turn on your mental picture skills), I am then marched up to the judge and prosecutor, in front of a packed courtroom, by a police officer, who loudly announces, "We got one of them" as if I was a BANK ROBBER THEY APPREHENDED. Suddenly the courtroom audience is totally quiet and paying attention. Blonde girl in custody!!!!

So, some attorney walks me to the front of the courtroom and starts asking me questions. Now I'm fairly relaxed because I was only a passenger in this accident. Not my car, not my fault, not my problem. This attorney, however, was apparently in a mood because he just starts GRILLING me. This is bad because I tend to get chatty when nervous, which I proceeded to totally do in front of the whole courtroom.

Him: Did you witness an accident on January 21, 2006?
Me: Well, I was a passenger in one of the cars.
Him (pissy): That was not my question. Did you witness an accident on January 21, 2006?
Me: Um, sort of. I was in one of the cars, so I guess I witnessed it, kind of. I mean, not the whole thing, obviously, but, like, out of the windshield, I guess I...
Him: Ok. And was your car involved?
Me: No, I was the passenger. It was my friend's car.
Him: Your friend? What was your relationship with this person?
Me: Um, well, we were kind of on a date?
Him: So the driver is your boyfriend?
Me: Well, I mean, it was our second date, so I wouldn't exactly say 'boyfriend' but we were dating at that time, I mean, we were more than friends, so...
Him: I see. And are you and your boyfriend still dating?

I should mention that at this point you can hear a PIN DROP in the courtroom. People are enjoying this.

Me (blathering): Well, no, not really. We still talk from time to time, I mean, I just talked to him tonight, and we watched a basketball game last week with some of his friends, but I wouldn't say we're dating, we're basically just friends...
Him: I see. And where were you driving that night?
Me: To a cage fight.
Him: (Long pause) I mean what direction where you traveling.
Me: Oh!!! North on XXXX street, through the intersection of YYYYY street.
Him: Through a green light?
Me: Yes.
Him: ARE YOU SURE?????
Me: Yes?
Him: And what happened?
Me: Well, a car going south made a left turn at the red light, and we hit it head on and...
Him: ARE YOU SURE IT WAS RED????
Me: Well, ours was green, so it would have been a bad idea to make his green, too.
Him: Do you have proof that the lights were properly operational that night?
Me: What?
Him: So you cannot testify absolutely that the light was red?
Me: WHAT?
Him: You have no proof that both lights were not green at the same time?????
Me: Um, I...what?

Somewhere around this time he loses patience with me, and cuts to the chase.

Him: Do you see the man who you allege ran a red light in the courtroom tonight?
Me: Yes.
Him: Please point him out and describe him.
Me: The gentleman on the third row.
Him: The elderly man? (Now that was seriously a low blow, because there was only one man on the third row).

Anywho, it was quite the dramatic night of testimony by STAR WITNESS Robin. My advice, however, if you are ever subpoenaed, is apparently don't go. They like that.

Oh, yeah

And I'm still totally training for the triathlon. No fear. I can not only swim from one side of the pool to the other, I can even do a sassy little turn to flip back the other direction.

Really, it just isn't all that exciting these days. The rest of my life is a little more interesting right now.

A sneak peek ahead: I've been SUBPOENAED to testify in a criminal trial, tomorrow night at 9. The subpoena didn't actually say what/who the trial is about, so that'll be a nice surprise for all of us.

Ferris. As in Wheel.

Last night my friend L called. A good friend of hers is trying to start a speed dating business, and last night was his first event. Unfortunately, he was two girls short. Fast forward one hour, and I am driving to a midtown bar all cuted up, and L owes me a huge HUGE favor.

There were seven men and seven women, and we all had 6 minutes of conversation, after which you marked on a little card if you were interested in each other. Honestly, can't tell you much about the women - they were all fairly forgetable. The MEN however, yikes.

Now I really tried. It was fairly obvious by looking at them that this particular group of dudes were in dire need of some dating practice. They looked SOOOOO uncomfortable. Now I myself have flirted with and dated a fair number of men, so I'm pretty comfortable with the whole schmoozy chitty chatty thing. I kind of felt like it was my duty to make them feel good about themselves. So, I slapped on my wide-eyed, nodding, Interested In What You're Saying Face, and went to work.

Here are my favorite snippets of conversation:

Me: So what's your name?
Dude: Ferris.
Me: As in Bueller?
Dude: No, as in Wheel.

*****
Me: So what do you do for a living?
Dude: I'm in the French Foreign Legion.
Me: Um, k.
Dude: I'M JOKING!!! I'm a car salesman! I really had you going, didn't I? That line always kills...

*****
Me: Raj, is it? So you JUST moved here from India?

******
Me: So what are you studing in college?
Dude: Computers. I like computers.
Me: Cool. So what do you want to do with that?
Dude: Well, I'd like to work with computers. I really like computers.
Me: Uh huh. What, like programming?
Dude: I don't know. Just computers.
Me and Dude: (silence)

*****
Me: Do you have a big family?
Dude: Do you mean on my mom's side? Or my dad's side?
Me: Um, dad?
Dude: No.
Me: Um, mom?
Dude: No.

*****
Me: So what do you do for fun?
Dude: Well, I really like playing video games. Yeah, that's like my favorite thing to do. I wish it was my job to play video games.

*****
Me: So you're a security guard?
Dude: Yeah.
Me: Awesome!! Do you work nights or days?
Dude: Well, on Sundays I work from 8 in the morning until noon. And on Tuesdays I work......(Robin Zones Out).....but on Fridays I also have to go get my paycheck, so I am actually at work twice that day....(Robin Still Zoned Out).....so basically it depends on the day. (No joke, that little diatribe ate up our ENTIRE SIX MINUTES.)

When it was all over, India and Car Salesman bought me much-needed drinks. I truly feel like I earned them.

Pardon my introspection

A few weeks ago, some inner-city kids came to my office for career day. It was pretty typical stuff...lunch, chitty chat, blah, blah, blah. At one point we broke into small groups of maybe six attorneys and six kids to let them ask questions. Overall, pretty boring fare. Boring, that is, until one kid raised his hand.

His question was, "Now that you're a lawyer, what goals do you have for your life?". Whoosh. All the smug superiority of the lawyers was gone. What ARE our goals?

Here sat these six kids, with the whole world to dream about, totally convinced that they were all going to be professional athletes or actors or doctors, so wide-eyed and optimistic and sure. And there sat the lawyers, dumbstruck. Silent. Thinking. Blank. We're done, right? We've all gone to college, and gone to law school, and we have nice jobs and cars and houses...that's it right?

No joke, not a single lawyer could come up with anything except, "Maybe someday I'd like to have some kids." What happened to all that ambition? When did we stop wanting to learn and grow and accomplish things? When did we wrap up our life to-do list?

Ever since that day, that kid's question has been rolling around in my head. What are my goals? And in some silly, small way, I think that's what this triathlon is about. It's a goal. It means I'm not done. It means there are more good things to come in my life. It means that I'm still striving. And frankly, there's a lot of comfort in that. If the life I'm living right now is my pinnacle, then I picked too small a mountain.

Life 1, Robin 0

Oh, Life, you are so clever. While I was all distracted worrying about triathlon training drama, you snuck up on me and kicked me in the teeth personally. Life, good move. I did not see this one coming.

Tonight I went to a David Gray concert. I've bought tickets for this particular show three times, but for one reason or another haven't been able to make it to any of the shows. Tonight, I was determined!!

I made it to the show, and it was great. One of my favorite artists, good show, the crowd was into it, a stadium full of people singing along, and I was on the 11th row.

About three songs into it, however, a couple showed up and sat right in front of me. While they technically had the right to use two seats, they actually only utilized about 1.3 seats - they were ENTANGLED. Giggly. Touching. Playing with each other's hair. Arms all around each other. This was annoying, but what REALLY annoyed me was that their combined heads eclipsed my view of the stage.

Here comes the kick in the teeth: during one of the songs, the stage lights swung our direction, and I realized this was not just an annoying couple, this was A GUY I JUST DATED and my apparent successor. Directly in front of me. Making out. To my favorite songs. Right in front of me.

The crappy parts are as follows: (1) This didn't look like new love. This looked like he met her on the drive home from our breakup. (2) At one point, he saw me sitting behind them, but instead of putting the brakes on the making out, it only INTENSIFIED. (3) She could be my sister, we look so alike. (4) This guy recently started calling and emailing me again. Apparently while still dating this girl.

GRRRRRR. How, in all the zillions of available seats, did they end up sitting directly in front of me?

So what was mostly an absolutely FANTASTIC night is now slightly marred. I feel like David Gray owes me a do-over.

Too Calm

Has anyone else noticed how fun and drama-free my training has been lately? It's like I'm a normal girl, instead of the Robin we all know and love, the Robin to whom completely WEIRD things happen all the time.

I kind of feel like I'm due for a big one, like a freak pool/heart rate monitor electrocution, but for now I'm enjoying the peace.

Another favor

I know I've already asked you guys to intervene if I start Girl Powerlifting. I have another favor: if I ever mention how FUN it would be to have a puppy, would someone please remind me of this weekend?

Since Friday, I've been puppy-sitting for a friend. She has the CUTEST dog, so sweet, so quiet, so good, so fun. At her house. At my house, he is a barking, lonely, scared little vacuum. Bringing him home was like releasing five toddlers in my apartment. I have pulled the following items out of his mouth in the past 72 hours:

• Cigarette butt
• Used chewing gum (various)
• Dryer sheet
• Loose change
• Ziplock bag
• Jingle bell
• Cat toy
• Cat litter (eww)
• Screws and bolts
• My electric bill
• Candle
• 2-liter bottle Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi

Parts of it were so fun!! Taking the dog on walks and to the park, having conversations with strangers who totally want to chat just because I'm accompanied by a puppy, all that sort of thing. Overall, though, I have decided I am not so much a puppy person. I am, however, very succeptible to cuteness. So, I'm counting on you guys. Remind me that I actually fished a jingle bell out of a dog's mouth.

I'll thank you later.

TWENTY MILES!!!

During the week we have regular training classes. But on Sundays we usually have an especially horrible, terrifying or embarrassing class. Today's debacle: ride our bikes 20 miles. On a major roadway. To and from downtown. With cars. All around. For twenty miles.

All told, I have ridden my bike maybe six times, and all of those have been in the controlled environment of a nice park with no cars. And I think we all remember The Post. Also, our longest ride has been something like six miles. So I was EXTREMELY dubious of my ability to pull this off.

However, I am please to announce that I MADE IT HOME ALIVE and successfully rode T-W-E-N-T-Y miles. And it wasn't awful.

I will admit, I kind of set myself up for failure. Yesterday I had a big lunch, so I didn't actually eat last night. And I kind of forgot to eat this morning. Lesson learned: you need to go ahead and eat sometime in the 16 hours prior to a long bike ride. I made it about ten miles and then I just BONKED. I got all dizzy and fatigued, which are not good qualities when biking on a major roadway with cars whizzing by.

I pulled over to decide what to do, and my coach appeared with a MIRACLE. May I introduce all of you to Amino Vital? Think super-fancy Power Aid, but it tastes better and doesn't leave you feeling all sloshy after you drink it. The next ten miles were a snap. I'm sure there's some amazing science behind how it works, but I frankly don't care. It is MAGIC. And you will all be receiving some for Christmas.

Another lesson learned...when I don't eat and then ride my bike, I get really stupid. For example, I put my bike ON my bike rack, but forgot to actually strap it TO the bike rack. I didn't notice for almost two miles, when I glanced in the rear view mirror and saw my brand-new-still-not-paid-for bike bouncing around on the rack. Doh. Also, I lost all ability to do math. I had a lot of trouble with 500 divided by 10. Jen, thanks for jumping and handling that one for me. I'm much smarter now.