If a secretary falls in a forest...

News #1: Guess who's swim coach told her last night she has "excellent form"? That would be me.

News #2: Guess who's secretary tripped over a doorway at a restaurant, and had to lay on the floor until the paramedics arrived? That would be mine.

Oh, you guys. Even my secretary, K, had to admit this was a classic moment. So, we've walked to lunch, a nice little Italian place by our office. As we walk into the entrance, however, K catches her shoe on the doorway, and just SPLAT falls. No catching herself, no tuck-n-roll landing, just a massive, four star, two thumbs up BLAM fall.

I should also mention that my secretary is a fairly, um, sizable woman.

OK, so she's down, and crying, and her knee is apparently all wonky. Not good.

Suddenly, we have a SWARM of Italian waiters surrounding us. No one seems to know what to do. So, they go summon the manager, who is barking orders in Italian. I distinctly hear "ambulance" shouted. Apparently the manager (lets call him Luigi) has taken some sort of "Torts in the Workplace" course, because he is large and in charge. A manager with a plan. And it apparently involves EMTs.

Alright, so by this point, K has decided she's actually ok, just a little shaken up. She starts to sit up, and Luigi refuses to let her get up. He's yelling something about nerve damage. The nervous waiters bring her a pillow and a glass of water, and tell her to stay put until the paramedics get there.

OK, y'all, close your eyes and picture: my large secretary, propped up on a pillow, blocking the entryway to a restaurant, wearing capri pants and a summery top, sipping water (no ice, please). A bevy of Italian waiters, all running around frantic. Luigi on the phone with 911, trying to explain what's going on in heavily-accented Italian. Diners, watching in amusement and horror. And, all this time, people are still coming and going from the restaurant, so there is a steady stream of traffic STEPPING OVER my secretary, like roadkill.

Somewhere around this time it occurs to me that I might be going to the emergency room with K, so I call my office and give them details so they won't wonder where we are at, say, 5:30 when we haven't returned from lunch. Between the receptionist and my boss, the story morphs into: "K is bleeding everywhere and is being taken away in an ambulance". So, here comes my boss, in a run, in a suit, to assess the situation.

Of course, by this time, there are ambulances there, with sirens blasting, and stretchers and paramedics and blood pressure cuffs and the whole thing. And to anyone with half a brain, it is OBVIOUS that K is just fine, and frankly just wants to have lunch. And get out of the doorway.

So, cooler minds prevail, the ambulance leaves, K and I sit down to a nice lunch, ASSUMING that the restaurant will comp it. Which, they did not.

The end. I think the lesson here is to always announce loudly, immediately after an accident happens, in front of a manager, "Wow, good thing I'm here with a lawyer!! That door is clearly a hazard!! I'm so happy we got pictures on my camera phone!!"

Then, maybe you'll get a free meal.

I'm Smart!

Hey, look! I figured out how to edit those links on the right, so now you can zip right over and take a glance at the three tri's I'm doing. Fun!

Are we there yet?

Doesn't it seem like I've been taking this class for roughly forever? I kind of think yes.

I technically started on February 4th, and it is an 18 week class. So, we just started our 12th week. Basic math says that gives me six weeks to go. And during those six weeks, I have three triathlons in front of me.

I have to confess, though, that after Easter I just went MIA during week 11. I was tired. I wanted to watch The Apprentice (yay, Roxanne!). I missed my couch.

Last night I finally dragged my pitiful self back to swim class. And of course, it was great, and now I'm mad I missed any classes. To me, working out is like church - honestly, not something I jump out of bed longing to go do. But, once I've done it, I always leave thinking, "Why don't I do this all the time?"

When I got to class last night there was a nice little surprise: they switched the lanes. Damn. Know how a pool is rectangular? We used to swim in lanes that ran the short way. Now, the lanes run the loooooong way in the pool. Instead of getting to take a little breather every 25 meters, I have to go 50 full yards before I can hang onto the side and gasp for air. So, it was kind of a tough night, but fun. Good. Challenging. I am still totally amazed that I can actually move my body from Point A to Point B. Not gracefully, not with any art, but I do the job. Miracle.

The best thing though is that I am so happy with my body these days. (Boys, tune out, you won't get this. Girls, I'm sure you know what I mean.) I look the same, I weigh the same, everything is the same, but I just LIKE my body. It can do cool things like swim a lot, or cycle 37 miles, or run...ok, not so much run. But still, I am much less critical of myself lately. I'm giving myself room to be imperfect, and just having fun. It's a nice place to be.

If any of you have free time, I just totally suggest finding something random you've always wanted to do, and going for it. Find a class. Try a sport. Ignore your fears. It's liberating.

And Scariness Ensues...

You know that no-call zone? That sort of 3am to 6:30am zone, where even the most desperate guy won't call, and even the most brazen telemarketer won't dial your number? That's the zone where, if your phone rings, you know Something Has Happened.

Somewhere in that zone, my mom called this morning. Freaked me right out. Apparently, as my dad and brother were driving to Austin last night (with my grandpa in his car in front of them and some family friends in a car behind them), a huge tree suddenly fell onto the highway, blocking all four lanes. My dad swerved and avoided the trunk of the tree, but still hit the big branches at a high speed. He and my brother are ok, just a little banged up, but the truck is in bad shape. The impact shattered the windshield.

Had my dad driven a tiny bit faster, the tree would have fallen on him instead of in front of him. Had my grandpa driven a little slower, it would have been him. As it were, the tree fell right between them, and everybody was ok. But life is just short. Weird things happen.

Luckily, I just spent a great weekend with my family, and I'm positive they all know how much I love them. But you just can't say it enough.

So, here is the homework for today: Call or email your families and the people you love. Make sure there aren't any petty fights or stupid arguments lingering. Make sure they know you love them. Don't waste time proving you're right, or that they're wrong, on issues that don't matter. Call. Now. Go.